The One True Church

Christians like to tell you that theirs is the only path to Heaven. There’s a little problem with that, though. Some of them think all the other “Christians” are going to hell, too! Here’s a list of Christian denominations that believe only they are “true” Christians.

Roman Catholicism. Catholics believe that they are the one true church, and that no one is saved outside their church. But you knew that. 55% of Christians are Catholic, leaving a mere billion people burning in hell if their belief is true.

Mormonism. Joseph Smith taught that everyone except faithful Mormons will be damned. That means only one sixth of one percent of all the Christians! Everyone else: toast!

Jehovah’s Witnesses. I like these folks a lot. For one thing, they like to come by for a visit. For another thing, they don’t believe in Hell (JW’s believe that if you die unsaved you just cease to exist–I agree 100% with that view!) But what I really admire is that, unlike the Catholics and the Mormons, they don’t equivocate about the “one true church” thing. They straight up own it. 7.6 million of these cats, and all of them have well-developed calves. Plus also: PRINCE.

Eastern Orthodox. These guys own it, too, but they’re kind of dicks about it. Their dickishness is, I admit, purely anecdotal on my part. It’s just that I’ve known several Orthodox believers and every one of them found a way to work it into conversation. There are 230 million Orthodox believers but–go figure–they don’t all agree on which of them is the “real” Orthodox church. In fact, a lot of them despise each other. In Russia, they used to execute each other for fun back in the 17th century. No lie!

I know there are others. Please remind me in the comments…

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